red court is open

I.

I sold the glock and bought a crib.

The glock 48 was perfect!

 So's my daughter...so far.


II.

Who ordered the Creole interpreter?

Marshal, ask the clerk and steal 
some kisses from his bowl. 

We won't need the Creole for
tomorrow, but the bowl's nearly
empty. Court's not really in session
without a full bowl of Hershey's Kisses.
I know my rights. Mr. State Attorney?

Affirmative.


III.

Mr. State Attorney, all my cases are ready.

Isn't that marvelous?
(Dad noises)
IV.

Defendant's name is Oval, but
the guy's shaped like a pear.

And he works for Amazon.

 Another one from Amazon!
Why do all the meth-heads and
parole violators work for Amazon?

Amazon's cleaning up the neighborhood.


V.

I've dreamed it. So it was.
It was a fingersnap, hit the music and go.
I was boozin' on Mars. Bring the liquor,
bring the gravity, make it happen.
Chase a Monster with a shot of
Crystal Palace, no more worries.

Crystal Palace?

 Paradise on a marshal's salary.
Test for West Hartford PD's next week.


VI.

Look at the statute. Use my glasses
if that'll help it make sense to you;
I'm not a public defender. Get the video
and don't put me in a bad mood.

This is a sham of a farce of an outrage.
What a dumb game we're in, the daily
diversions of decisions about competency.
Who'll defend me if he goes out there and
does something else to that girl? Witch hunt.


VII.

The entire Eastern coastline of Florida's
one long Berlin Turnpike. Strip malls,
everything's scented. I was there for
Christmas last year with Mom, and I
couldn't smell the damn tree. Smelled
like retirement home ointment.


VIII.

Watkins should be in 2B.
Who told him to go to Green Court?

We won't be done by four.

This is a sham of a farce of an outrage.
I request Your Honor call my wife and
tell her the Wolf Pack game will have to wait.


IX.

My law professor at UConn spent the
semester convincing us not to go to
law school. She made us read Oedipus.
This bitch never called on me to answer
any questions.

She eloped with her husband. He was a
French Canadian. I'm never going to Quebec.


X.

The screen on the phone's cracked again.
My phone apologized.

Yeah, Alexa apologized to me the other day.

For what?

Trump.

You'll need a million Alexas in unison
to accept that apology.

That's called a constituency.


XI.

Welcome to the land of the various dockets.
Don't sleep through your appearance.
My wrath will make your kids ugly.


XII.

Have you ever doodled somebody you
think you created, then that person walks
into your courtroom to get slapped with
a protective order?

Blows your mind.


XIII.

I can't decide what's more expensive:
3 kitchens and 1 wife or
1 kitchen and 3 wives.

This isn't that kinda court, Mr. State Attorney.


XIV.

The meek shall inherit the earth, and
the clerks will document the transition.


XV.

They served this guy 8 years
after the sex assault?
I can't prosecute this case!

Somebody must have retired.

The victim was a prostitute.
There isn't any order to this!

Yeah, but there's plenty of law.


XVI.

No one's here today.

Friday is Continuance Day.
Sometimes, Re-Arrest Day.

 But where is everybody?

Home online complaining
about the Cleveland Browns.

 The Browns exist to anger football fans.
They got their part to play.
The Browns don't play football;
They pretend football.

Case closed.

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