DISASTERNADO! ("It's a hurricane but with gorillas, you see...?")
GORILLACANE! Extraordinarily intelligent gorillas emerge from
caves during a hurricane and threaten Tallahassee and its suburbs! Followed by...
VOLCANORANGUTAN! The scorching sequel to GORILLACANE!
VOLCANORANGUTAN! The scorching sequel to GORILLACANE!
A ginormous, fiery beast roars
out from a steaming hole in the ground
opening near the North Alabama
Speedway and fights the Dixie Chicks!
PENGUINFERNO! The Devil
Waddles! Dark Lord and Flightless Avians
shake claw to flipper in
contract for revenge! Think “Happy Feet” meets
“The Omen” without the surf
rock! The Presbyterians’ll love it!
HIPPOCALYPSE! An alcoholic and
embittered ex-opera diva discovers
the right note to sing to make
the hippos murderstarved! Hungry, hungry!
MINOTAURTOISE! A child’s pet
turtle swallows a drachma at the Parthenon
and morphs mythological! Call
it a comedy and get the Greek wedding cast!
Joey Fatone is waiting for
your call! Opa!
HARPOODLES! Beverly Hills
who attacks streetwalkers with
deadly, fluffy canine missiles! Only a temporary
alliance of Petco and Petsmart
fish experts can save Rodeo Drive
SQUIRRELPOOL! A pool
cleaner/geneticist auctions his new invention
of revenge (revengtion?) to
the highest bidders among Miami
crime families! There’s
something mean in that chlorine!
FRANKENKRAKEN! A cruise convention
of horror and sci-fi authors dine
on spoiled crayfish and
collectively hallucinate a oceanic monstrosity! Only a
textbook editor (played by
Kristen Wiig) can trim the kraken into sushi!
CARNIVULTURE! Another cruise
convention: this time, romance novelists
are assailed by a
voodoo-cursed Casanova who transforms into a vulture-man
whenever he hits on a woman!
When his feathers get ruffled…YOU DIE!!!
COMIC CON-DOR! A cosplayer
dressed as his favorite supervillain at
Comic Con-Necticut gobbles up
geeksters after he mutates into a tank-sized
condor when an illustrator
rejects his fan art! All the Deadpools die first…and STAY DEAD!
CONGRATS! The twins have
graduated from Princeton , and the family’s
celebrating at the country
club! Hey….who invited the rodent stampede?!
Mongoose-sized rats dine on pomp
and circumstance! The cheese will stand alone!
FRATTLERS! The brothers of
Omega Iota Psi are hosting the Gamma girls
for a “Wild Kingdom
of rattlesnakes who slither to
the rhythm and bite on the beat! Omega Iota DIE!!
HYENACONDA! Hey! Have you
heard the joke about the raucous Friday night
at the Giggleplex Comedy Club
in Iselin , New Jersey
from Hell: a failed comic who
morphs into a snake-median!? HISSS-terical!
GIWRATH! The tranquil lives of
a giraffe and her children on the savannah are
irrevocably shattered when
they are drugged and transported to a children’s zoo in
METEORCA! The killer whale’s
threnody of woe and fury against the pitiless
greed of man summons their
godly protector Meteorca from the constellations
to restore the balance! When
Moby Dick cries…Meteorca will RISE!
12 ANGRY MEGS! Unjustly
imprisoned shark whisperer (YEAH!!) kidnaps
the corrupt jurors responsible
for his inhospitable incarceration and forces them
into a maze filled with Great
Whites as judge, jury, and SHARKUCTIONERS!
STATEN ISLAND
FURIES! A librarian falls asleep on the Staten Island Ferry
as the infernal goddesses
attack the dog-eared paperback Tom Clancy enthusiasts
on the vessel! Cameo by Seth
Green wearing a MINOTAURTOISE t-shirt!
NAZIDACTYLS! The Third Reich
takes flight! Germans soldiers undergo bold
experimentation to combat the
Allied forces in the skies! Half-man, half-beast
hybrids of hate and heil vs.
Super-Soldier Lou Gehrig and his Fightin’ Yanks!
KvK: FIRE FOR FIRE!
Wrestler-turned-politician Glenn Jacobs spares his constituency from
demonic infestation by
allowing himself to be transformed into a hell-bred mutation of his persona,
Kane, Son of Satan! The noble sacrifice initiates a path of destruction
blocked by angelic stuntman
Kane Hodder, the man behind the mask of Jason Voorhees, relentless
and bold! BURN FOR IT!
HARMADILLOS! Yes, you can train
armadillos to become your personal assassins, as learned
by a bullied tweenager from
the Last Book Ever Sold at Borders! When the power consumes him,
his younger sister wishes for
REVENGERBILS to even the battlefield and give this flick a PG rating!
BULLVERINE! Men’s magazine,
energy drink and X-Men movie overload take their toll on a
dateless, chauvinistic
bodybuilder whose ‘roid rage transforms him into a half-man, half-wolverine
stomping machine who harasses
the models at the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue photo shoot!
BLOODBATHROBE! Your crazy
uncle dies and leaves you something in his will: the World’s
Most Comfortable Bathrobe … a
cross-breed of Dalai Lama blessing and LL Bean manufacture!
Problem: Uncle was
HOMICIDAL…now YOU’RE Nephew of HOMICIDAL in a bathrobe that
won’t quit your waistline!
Time to clean up humanity in perpetually pine-scented style! Manly!
BLOODBATHROBE 2: MENACE OF
MOMJEANS! The evil urges were purged with a nice,
long, vigorous transit through
a rickety washer’s rough cycle, but a pair of murderous momjeans
hitches with the britches in
the laundry basket! The Nightmare Nightcoat vs. The Denim of Destruction!
SAMURIOT! The all-night
martial arts movie marathon at the Teaneck
crashers when the ghosts of
the 47 Ronin threaten the cinemaphiles! Starring the Wu-Tang Clan!
Sneaking a veggie wrap and
cookie dough pieces into the theater? You’ll die MOST unhonorably!
SAT-REX! The most important
standardized examination of academic expertise in a high school
student’s life is halted by a
violent earthquake that releases a spinosaurus, an allosaurus, a tarbosaurus,
and a Tyrannosaurus Rex!
“How’d you get into UMass?” “I sharpened my number 2 pencil…
and impaled a rampaging,
carnivorous, prehistoric monstrosity in its dinoguts!” ACCEPTED!!!
BRONTOSQUITO! A heartbroken
child and her family move to a new home, leaving behind the
child’s not-so-imaginary
dino-insect bestie! Big Bronty shows he has a big heart but a bigger temper
when he tries to prevent an
HGTV renovation show from a radical redesign! Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!
SEDERTOOTH! The angry ghost of
a disgraced ex-security guard for the American Museum
of Natural History inhabits an
animatronic saber-toothed tiger and brazenly interrupts the head
curator’s Passover meal! Put
away the bread and break out the matzoh…and the ammunition!
KILLSQUATCH! The elusive
legend of the Pacific Northwest has the spirit
of a poisoned Chuck Norris
(WHATTHESCRATCH!?) transferred into him and
becomes a martial arts
behemoth who avenges the legend’s demise at the hands of
greedy industrialist scumbags!
A Synopsis So Epic I Need Four Lines to Describe!
SQUIDCROW! Something horrible
lurks ‘neath the abundant cornfields of eastern
brownie-munchin’ youth…only
Sheriff Dolph Lundgren can tame the menace of the maize!
KILLSQUATCH VS.
SQUIDCROW!!! ‘Nuff said!
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